Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels
So in the year 2022, I think I’m finally ready to date 😝
Since the beginning of Uni, I’ve been pressured to date. I was always asked by friends, acquaintances and even co-workers questions such as ‘why are you single?’, ‘don’t you want a boyfriend?’, ‘why aren’t you dating?’.
Now although they probably meant well these questions were ANNOYING! Because I KNEW I was in no shape to be entertaining one.
There were several reasons why I had to put romance to the side. The main one is unresolved trauma. Long story short I went through some deep things in my teens that only therapy and time could cure. If I pursued romance when I hadn’t fully healed well… let’s just say I would have more trauma to heal from. As unresolved trauma + a relationship = a recipe for disaster.
Another major reason why I put of dating was due to low self-esteem. I felt insecure about my appearance as I am a dark-skin Black woman. I knew that I needed to unlearn the colourist and anti-Black rhetoric society had taught me. Plus recognise my beauty before I started dating. As I had seen, from other relationships, the damage that unresolved insecurities caused.
Unresolved trauma + a relationship = a recipe for disaster
And you know what? Even though there were several VALID reasons for avoiding dating, I still felt pressured to do so. And the reason for this was misogyny. I had noticed that I was infantilized because of my lack of experience with dating men. People actually disregarded my whole maturity because I wasn’t attached to a man! And I was this close to giving in because that meant better treatment. But I knew It wasn’t worth it in the end.
Apart from not being ready to date I also feared it. I was scared of dealing with colourism and sexual racism on dating apps. Not to mention misogyny, as men (ESPECIALLY Cis Het men) can move in demonic ways when dating women. Moreover, I was scared of dealing with general foolishness like ghosting. I’ve dealt with ghosting a fair few times when I was friend dating and gawd I HATE IT! Apart from this I also feared heartbreak. Heartbreak is gut retching. And excuse my french, but it also FUCKING HURTS! You’re literally mourning the death of a relationship. Plus you have to get used to the fact that your significant other/others are not in your life anymore. Which by the way sucks😔.
People actually disregarded my whole maturity because I wasn’t attached to a man!
So now that you’re well aware of why dating was a BIG no for me. You’re probably wondering what changed. And honestly, that’s due to several reasons. The first one is me dedicating my uni years and 2021 to healing from my traumas. Plus learning to recognise and appreciate my beauty. Not to mention allowing myself to become more comfortable in my own company.
Moreover, once It was safe enough for me to start socialising with my favourite people again. Was when I REALISED the importance of having a community. Like don’t get me wrong, I knew having loved ones was important. I’ve dealt with loneliness before and it’s NOT fun. But considering what this panini has put us through it makes sense why I would have this realisation again and thus crave romance.
Overall, I’m now better equipped to experience love and intimacy. So as I mentioned in the beginning I’m going to start dating this year. And though I’m nervous I’m also excited to meet my future bae or perhaps future baes who knows😍😉.
Dark Hues 